One Chapter Closes

Getting married soon, so I thought I'd start again.

www.katrahmat.com

I'm posting there regularly now! Honest!

:)

Miracle

Tomorrow I get engaged after being so blissfully happy for a month. In a week I said yes for the safest feeling I've ever had in decades.

My wedding's in December - I quote a friend, who said - "You should feel invincible."

Madly

Today is the last day of fasting, the last day of September.

September 2008, a few things happened.

1. Bad car accident

2. Living alone with the discovery of betrayal and a bad fever for a week. My recovery afterwards was exponential.

3. His little sister leaves for Egypt, and about the final link I have with him.

4. An amazing romantic trist with a good friend, before I ruined things between us in a matter of a fortnight. A residual guilt follows me, although no bad blood was drawn.

5. Car breakdown (I know).

6. Resigned from my job of a year and 5 months at KRA

7. I went to Singapore, God that was fun - discovered that I am actually human - looking.

8. Then, I think, I've met someone new - but I hold no expectations at all. Maybe I've finally learnt something.

9. After all this I found peace and happiness in between, under what foundations, I have no idea. Perhaps a sense of resillient survival, perhaps a gratitude to God - both, or seeing my healthy family. I don't know. You must be grateful for growing up.

10. Decided I want to be a journalist. Now all there's left is to do.

Foeweel

I prayed more for gratitude than fear, this time. For being able to have tea with my parents, for a beautiful house, for good friends.

I didn't think I'd be this happy so soon.

I certainly am not complaining. Just growing up - just having a bloody good time. I'm going to have fun. I know what I want now. I know what I'm going for - I know those I love and I know who I love.

The simplicity of it all, so striking - like colors you experience before you see.

I promise I will write once the ghastly week is done.

Black & Gold

When I miss the city, I plan for road trips - I hope to hit the beaches in Malaysia. I save money for Istanbul, Edinburgh - so it's good to know I'm here, where the people I love are. 'Cept for my brother. Otherwise, my friends will be home soon.

Take a bite out of the glorious world, somesuch. Living the life shouldn't be an anxiety.

A houseful of cats

New medicine - got my heart pounding madly all night. Struggling to sleep, I could feel my head bounce slightly off the pillow each beat. I was sweating, as well - going to the bathroom every few hours - although I didn't drink much with it being Ramadhan.

I finally got up too exhausted to try to sleep. I wrote pointless things and jogged painful memories. I wonder if he ever reminisced after I cleanly left him. How do bad people love?

Either the medicines work too well, having me up so early in the morning, or it'll kill me if I don't get any sleep edgewise.

A groundless assurance has occupied his place in me. Optimism is usually an effort, yet here is something - a calm, a new grit possibly. I am excited about the future without him. Nothing hurts now.

It's that nothing hurts now.

I am stronger than I thought and it's good to know. WOHOOO!

Okay gotta get to work.

Dreams

I wrote this a few days ago, without much contemplation, to a man who deceived me, and it has proven effective. Oftentimes far away, I had written him many affectionate, carefully thought-of letters. I loved him inconsiderately and tolerated his temper, insensitivity - several things, if you knew him.

Despite disapproval and warnings from friends, he was able to betray me. I look back to remind myself the dangers of being a woman, of our giving, tolerant nature.

Of course it pains me to realise everything I tried to so hard to protect have only become an embarassing lie. Another part of me is rejuvinated, however. Grateful for the discovery.

I would pay any price for the truth, and do anything to overcome it. I no longer have to feel the pity or guilt of leaving him. No longer chained to believing his lies, really. God answered my prayers for a decent man to love me, and it is not him.

Despite overwhelming evidence he continued to lie to me, unflinching. I look forward to learning more about myself, of what I deserve and want. To a life lived without him, and this makes me happy again, in an honest, organic way, without the distraction of beastly men.

The following is my letter:-

Anyway, You've been lying to me for too long, and I now know everything, so you can spare yourself telling more more lies, as it will only embarass you and myself watching you behave.

Malaysia's a small place - no matter where you go. You've effectively removed any possibility of me having an ounce of respect for you. I have changed my phone number, blocked you in all my accounts, and all your e-mails will be directed instantly into the trash.

You've done me great wrong on many accounts and abused my trust and sincerity. With that, I appeal to any good that you may have in you to just leave me alone. There is no need to reply this e-mail or even acknowledge my existence. I will appreciate that. With that, I also accept that all your gestures of affection have been, equally, lies and falsities.

I will appreciate you no longer keeping in contact with me, or referring to my existence, as your sign of respect, a truce, and the measure of your decency. Please do this, and I am sure we can go on with our lives without further problems.

Thanks